woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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