My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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