my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
