There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
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The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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