Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
