3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
