A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Porn is love you can see.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
