no, he came in my armpit
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
