I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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