I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize