call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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