i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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