dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
