Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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