From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
