I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
