god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
