My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
this beer tastes like vomit already
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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