I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
