Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
tell me about the eggs
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
