I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
