omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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