my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
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I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
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I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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