she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
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How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
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We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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