I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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