Soap is not a condiment
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
