The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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