So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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