I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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