i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
