It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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