No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
