Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Holy sore nipples Batman
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
