It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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