1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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