I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
