i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
