all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
