Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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