Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
