we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
