I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
