I never want to see another naked old woman again.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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