He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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