You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
