Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
