I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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