you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
