If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So much rum. So many feels.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
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Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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