so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
