But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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