I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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