I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
