One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
