How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
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