My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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