i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
